Don't Do It Yourself

This episode has our longest intro ever, where we introduce Pete, the serial killer who can't kill people. After that we make urban legends about the Skunk Ape, Ga-Panther, and Compost Pete, make our 101st Silence of the Lambs reference, talk about the Hook Man, a lot of old stories we brought up on previous episodes come back, and we make sex uncomfortable again.

DDIY - How to Be Fresh

DSIY - aSexGuide: The App

DVIY - The Legend of Compost Pete

How to give gifts like a dick. How to know if you are being haunted by a sex ghost. If you are being haunted by a sex ghost, is it a sensual sex ghost or just the regular kind? Best movies to turn into musicals. Got it all here, folks.

DDIY: How to give passive aggressive gifts

DSIY: 15 signs you are being haunted by a sex ghost

DVIY: Galvant

The name of the game this week is survival. Surviving in the world after an EMP blast. Surviving in Future House, the reality tv show about the future where roombas are out to get you. Surviving in a mall with a monkey armed with a chainsaw. You know, situations you could easily find yourself any day. 

Topics: Pet shops, snake generator, sex with flags, hummingbird cannon, fuck book, dyson hand dryer, doomba, monkey with a chainsaw

How do you stop a burglary? By robbing them instead. Then becoming burgle bandit named Rob Robertson. If snakes were fireproof, could you launch them at houses to put out fires? Will you get a free pass to heaven if someone who got Raptured ate your finger? Could God be considered the ultimate landlord? We cover it all in this short but sweet one. Our big 7-0!

DDIY: How to Deal with a Burglar Breaking Into Your House

DSIY: Doggy-style Cosmo

DVIY: Left Behind With Nic Cage

What's Montana fashion week like? How can you escape a party when all you have is a police uniform? Can Cosmo actually be funny? What is the sex position called "The Susan B Anthony"? When did Zac became a motorcycle centaur? Most of these and many more questions you never ever asked us get answered this week. 

Frucken are a combination of frogs and chickens, you can tell if someone broke up with Mike on account of the spoon fires and Pecs Motorcycle is the best name ever made.

DDIY - How to write good erotica

DSIY - The End-Of-Time-Cop

DVIY - Ukranian Bride Documentary

In thirty minutes we mention Thompson's Wood Seal and diamond teeth, rhyme like G-Eazy and Limp Bizkit, get sexually molested by recliners, have a PSA on a very serious issue in a very not serious way, explain Snake Church, and Zac defends eating Glow Sticks. 

Wikihow: How to Whiten Your Teeth By Natural Methods

Don't Screw It:  The Randy Recliner, Diamond in the Buff, Side-wind Her

Don't View It: G-Eazy's Music Video for "I Mean It"

Just take a look at the wikihow we cover today. You know this is going to be good. Also we manage to make references to Cypress Hill, Sublime, and the Police. Good times. 

Don't Do It Yourself: How to Get a Crowd to Stop Urging You to Fight Someone

Don't Screw It: More Cosmo Nonsense!

Don't View It: American Gladiators, American Prisoners.

Because they get touched so much, do braille books smell bad?

Don't Do It: How to Find Your Spirit Animal

Don't Screw It: Stairs and Ladders

Don't View It: "Botched"

This week we are joined by the hilarious @radtoria to talk about sex positions involving Hot Wheels, cooking shows starring prison inmates, and what to do if you are an astronaut stuck on a deserted island.

We upgraded!

With our microphones comes three different sections. Don't Do It Yourself, Don't Screw it Yourself and Don't View It Yourself! We talk about complimenting people you hate, get some morning sex positions wrong, and watch the first episode of THE SLAP so you don't have to do it. Please god, don't do it. It's terrible. There's only one titular slap. 

Also Clay is on a combination of Dayquil and Nyquil (aka Brunchquil) so he's a little....off. 

Analyzing your dreams. Enjoying shows you don't enjoy. Porn titles from famous dead authors and the legislative process. Conspiracy theories about Tipper Gore being bovine. Filling a teddy bear with "all the hair that is left over after sex". We really hit all the cultural touch points this week. All the hot button-eyed issues. 

Wikihows: How to Predict the Future By Analyzing your Dreams, How to Appreciate Cougartown

Cosmo: 7 Valentine's Day Sex Positions That Will Give You A Love Boner (their words, not ours)

Happy Valentine's Day! Big changes this week. We got new microphones and sound better than ever. We use our new powers to give you some morning sex positions in a Cosmo quiz and learn how to celebrate Valentine's Day without being all lovely dovey. Especially to you, Lauren. God I hate you. 

Topics: Green Latern, Hot Mourning, Bone Collector, Unfurl Me, Sex Butterfly, Suck Their Prey, David A, Silky Hotpocket, Sex Spider, Cat Sex,Matterporn, Pancake Candle, Gun Show, Cupid's Arrow, Jalapeno Cheddar Poppers, Pasta Protocol, Lady and Tramp, Lauren

Wikihow: How to celebrate valentine's day without being lovey dovey

Claysmo: Hot Morning Sex Positions

Just five more episodes and this podcast is eligible for Medicare. We talk Radiator Pizza Parties, have a Cosmo game about sex moves at Sochi last year, and perform self hypnosis to get....bigger. I'm sorry we talk about dicks so much this week. 

Topics: Cradle the Head, Officer Sexyboyfriend, Both hands/no pizza, Radiator Pizza Party, Saw Zaw, Dickhole, 3rd Hole, Elongate, Batman, What's in the Box.

Wikihows: How to keep your drunk friend from driving, How to perform self hypnosis

Cosmo Quiz: 8 Sex Moves for the Olympics.  

Just five more episodes and this podcast is eligible for Medicare. We talk Radiator Pizza Parties, have a Cosmo game about sex moves at Sochi last year, and perform self hypnosis to get....bigger. I'm sorry we talk about dicks so much this week. 

Topics: Cradle the Head, Officer Sexyboyfriend, Both hands/no pizza, Radiator Pizza Party, Saw Zaw, Dickhole, 3rd Hole, Elongate, Batman, What's in the Box.

Wikihows: How to keep your drunk friend from driving, How to perform self hypnosis

Cosmo Quiz: 8 Sex Moves for the Olympics.  

You'll notice some differences this week. We're trying out some new stuff in preparation for some big changes next week! Don't worry, we still make the same terrible jokes.

Topics: Birdo Chug, Narwhalin', Space Jam Rock Opera, #DeersAndShit, Pavolvian Apple Sex Response, Sex Cape, Shaky Sex Cam, Mrs. Johnson's Fuck Garden, Paper Full of Bees, Inceptioning, Melissa, Bobcat's Gold Weight, Asshole Grandpas, 411 Banana

Wikihows: How to Chug a Beer, How to Convince Someone That They Are Dreaming

Cosmo: 7 Outdoor Sex Positions in the Woods

This week we do a wikihow about sneaking ice cream into work, play a game on a 50 Shades Cosmo article, and Clay tries his hand at accents and does a terrible job.

Topics: Grandalf the Yellow, Donebutton.com, Refrigerated Tophat, Locally Foraged Hobo Tears, Laptop Minifridge, White Balls of Food, Ice Cream Contracts, HJs everywhere, Masquerade Balls, Gloria Childs, Clay is terrible at accents. 

Wikihows: How to Sneak Ice Cream Into Work

Cosmo Game (Claysmo): 50 Shades of Clay (On a Budget)

Game: Clay Tries to Do Accents (fails)

One Wikihow and a single Cosmo today, and they are both great. 

Topics: The Original Immortal, Elf Life, Ball Gown, "Oil My Briefcase, Knee Jerk, Wolmo and Wolfgalangalang, Black to the Future, Lacist, I'm the Captain Now, Pleated Hoodie, Desolation of Smaug

Wikihow: How to make people think you are immortal

Cosmo: 2014 Oscar Movies as Sex Moves

Hope you all had a great holiday break. We sure as hell did. Note: I accidentally chopped off part of the intro, which explains why we bring up Gandalf's horse Shadowfax as some kind of horse/fax machine crossbreed a few times without explanation.

Topics: Brody the terrible window cleaner, Forever Skyborn, Sky Shark, No Rent in the Sky, Uncle Bestuncle, Dacquoise, Sleepy Jeeber, Coldplay and the Watersports Community, Oil Check, Nelly First Dates, The Flat Tire, Claysmo from the year 3069.  

Wikihows: How to Persuade A Friend to Stop Bungee Jumping, How to Escape From a Drunken Date.

Cosmo: Car Sex Tips

Topics: BangsBros, Sir Michael Jordan, Tiny Hats, Mom Loves Olive Puns, Condiment Bandolier, Hamburglar, Senior Wonka, Candy Dick, Pwning Noobs in the Bedroom, 2ToChoose, Sandbanger, IHOP Sex, Pirate's Foursome, BassoonJokes

Wikihows: How to Wear a Fascinator, How to Improve Your McDonalds Experience, How to Stop Your Teenage Son From Masturbating

Cosmo: Game Apps - Keep'm or Delete'm?

You guys asked us to talk about stealing sneezes from people so you could live forever, right? 

Topics: Sneeze Docking, Silencer, Mute to Poot, AWBC, Smell-o-Vision, Satan's Whistle, Waldoverse, Waldo 3:14, Peter Pan's Bad Guy, MegaHurtz the Pain Robot, First Impression Email, Chop Yourself in Half 

Wikihows: How to Fart Quietly, How to Find Waldo, How to Make People Forget Your First Impression

This episode is brought to you by Mountain Dew and the new Lionsgate Film Crime Baby.

By the end of this we created a lone ranger-esque cowboy who rides a camel wearing geisha makeup and was cursed by a gypsy to have a witch hand, but only when he's about to masturbate. 

Wikihows: How to Paint a Guy's Toe and Fingernails While He's Asleep, How to Buy a Camel

Cosmo: Sex Move or BJ Move - Christmas Edition.

We get to the hard questions, the ones that have really been troubling you. Which Spice Girl would you spend time in a sack with? How do you get arrested for sex mimes? Are koalas the guns of Australia? How terrible are people who like feet? How can you weaponize Facebook? Which is 'the good boob'? If you call someone a 'dirty nickel stacker', is that racist? Why won't my hermit crab respond to his name, Jeff? Is there some kind of correlation between maintaining an erection and meeting new people?

Wikihows: How to meet new people without being creepy, how to approach that hot stranger you've been eyeing, How to stack a nickel spiral, how to name a hermit crab.

We're back after a brief intermission! We've been recording steadily but Clay fell behind in editing episodes, but we are back to weekly releases. Clay says he's sorry. We believe him. This week we tackle two wikihows, a new segment, and another dose of Cosmo. 

Topics: Chopped- Halloween Edition,  I Dare You To Kill Me, Salty Floor Dogs, Ghost Toast, Jenny Got a Hemi,DP tax returns, Ole' Bucketfist, Pin in the Finger, Cock Ring Bearer.

Wikihows: 5 Halloween costume ideas, how to keep friends close

Cosmo: How to make it less/more awkward

Reality TV Show Pitch: Drunk Ghost Hunting

We finally hit the big 50! We're an over the hill podcast now. Thanks everyone who has listened over the past year. Grab the latest Cosmo mag, sidle up to the S.S. Waterspout's fish fountain and let's enjoy our time together.

Topics: SS Waterspout, I'm not goth I just miss grandma, Buffalo Bill, A Song of Vanilla Ice and Fire, Clay reads us Cosmo,  Bottomless Daiquris, Kiss and Release, Hagrid's Hut, Squid Salad, Fishing for Razors, Zac's future job at Cosmo, Toilet Hand.

Wikihows: How to react after your wikihow article has been deleted, Cosmo's Manthropology, How to retrieve a razor from the toilet?

NSFW. I know most of our episodes aren't safe for work, but this one is the worst in a long time. If you don't like people talking about diarrhea, I'd suggest checking out our other 48 episodes. If you like poop jokes, then the first ten minutes is your El Dorado. Once you make it through the first wikihow, we go on to talk about selfies, tattoos of the Lion King on your testicles, hashtags, living in a dungeon, and the best baseball player of all time who now lives in a dungeon and devolved his eyes, Ken Grippyfeet Jr. #blessed

Wikihows: How to get rid of diarrhea while someone is in the bathroom, How to practice good selfie etiquette, how to live in a dungeon. 

How can you find a dragon in the 21st century? They probably own a Cash for Gold business and are wearing sandals with pants. How do you properly spoon someone? We suggest the Ampersandwich or the Matrix. How rough was it to live near a dragon? According to the newest period drama Downwind Abbey, pretty damn rough. All that plus a short vignette into the life of a crash test dummy. 

Wikihows: How to have a draconic personality, how to spoon someone 

Topics: Drunk ghost hunters, Smuggling ice cream into space, Mars., Pigcasso and Hog Hogan, Whipperpipe, Pack it in my mouth bong, hippiest death, 98.6 MKPK, Gods raining on my forehead, Juggalo homelessthetician, Horse life cycle

Wikihows: How to be YOLO, How to show your pigs, How to rub your forehead

Is Batman a superhero or a genius ninja detective? Does Bane sound like Julia Child? How do I get my dog to dance with ecstasy? How do I out-psycho a sociopath? What do you call an electric flyswatter? Is a group of lollipop owners called a guild? We answer all of these this week.

Wikihows: How to Fight Like Batman, How to Dance With a Dog, From @Badassoftheweek "How to Deal with a Sociopath"

We've been doing this one whole year. To celebrate, we talk about anniverary gifts, having a great Saturday getting high in the Redwoods, and how we can smooch a lady at the movies even if we didn't come with them. Along the way we destroy a lot of childhood memories. It's been a great year, you guys!

We start off with a chillwave rainy day episode, but this one quickly devolves into madness. We are going to blame either Clay's off-brand energy drinks or the improv lessons he took this past week with a hobo named Shirttail Bob. We still soldier on and teach you how to survive a hostage situation through dance, pierce the friend zone and face off against Charlie Hardbody and his world class tickets to the moon, and then create a Pacific Rim-style robot when we cover how to conceive in a long distance relationship. We say sex words a lot in this one. You've been warned. Tip: listen past the end of the episode for a little bit extra this week. 

This week we double the amount of Mike's who are on Twitter and DDIY with our special guest, Mike @shutupmikeginn ! We talk about power rangers, tantric stripping, The Bobby Fisher of strippers, what constitutes a 'sentimental handjob', Pitbull, grandmas on ecstasy, cars full of bees, scaring your friends by eating undercooked chicken and singing ghosts in the attic! 

Wikihows: How to Increase Your Stripper Income, How to Get a Girl to Grind with you at a Club, How to Act Scary 

Hot from Mike's Pocket: Cholo Fruit Rollups 

Topics: An open letter to President Obama RE: Tunnel Birds, Tinder Abduction, Hillbillies and Chainsaws, Teen Bagger, Sweatpantaloons, Herman Being Part III, Spurt in the Fearlessness, Bill is a Ghost

Wikihows: How to Get Teens to Stop Using Your Farm for Drinking or Racing, How to Look Great in Sweatpants, How to Gossip on a Positive Note

Taste Test: Blueberry Almonds

This week we talk about dates, movies, scorpions, scotch, beating up the Beatles and love words like 'synergy'.

Topics: Matrix pills, Taken....on a date, Scorpurrito, Andhaven, Boxing Mathematician, Grandpa and desks, The Dave Clark Five, Styx and Stones, Love Words, Ham Hawk.

Wikihows: How to use cheesy pick up lines, how to avoid band fights, how to cast a 'more than friends' spell.

Taste Test: Laphroaig 10yr

The Big 4-oh

Topics: Books for Dates, Rewrite the Bible, Ctrl+F, Jim Jammery in your Flim Flammery, Sun Chicken, Doctor Peppered Beef, Kriss Angel: DUI, Dominos Guy Misses Me, DBIY

Wikihows: How to Find Someone to Date at the Bookstore, How to Create Useful Formuals and Mixtures, and How to Beat a Field Sobriety Test

This week we solve a lot of the world's problems. We create limitless energy out of 16 cats with life jackets on in a pool of milk and tuna water. We create positive female role models with our lady lawyer rapping group, Ladys Bone Thugs. We figure out time travel, what to do with the elderly and how to solve our overpopulation problem. Then we discuss the intricacies of time travel and statutory rape. 

Wikihows: How to Teach Your Cat to Swim, How to Describe a Kiss, How to Become a Female Rapper (from @LadyLardMan and @aaarub) How to Go Back in Time

It's the dog days of summer, and I fear the heat has gotten to our minds a little bit. Topics: Magic racism, stay at home dads in space, tantric baby sleepers, Starchild and the Parliament Funkadelic, sex education, "bag up your Gizmo", Earl Thomas III and how to survive in a pool full of KY Jelly. Wikihows: How to Capture a Single Millionaire through Internet Dating, How to Cope with Sexual Education, How to Make an Enviable Secret Handshake, and a bonus question that is out of this world crazy.

What if it was the future? What if there were flying cars, Terminators that looked like cougars, aliens hiding among us named Herman Being, and a robot in every house programmed to touch butts? Well this week we talk about all of that, except the flying cars. We'll show you how to let people know you want to hang out with them later, establish you are not crazy and are actually Herman Melville, and how to act drunk. You know, things you need to know how to do because you are TOTALLY a human and not an alien and/or robot programmed to touch butts. 

Happy fourth of July! This week we are doing a show on the good ole' US of A! We talk about the most offensive Taz tattoo, ask NASA to hold our beer and talk about how Jesus made the Grand Canyon. Also we finally move the Rocky movies into the Marvel universe with super heroine Annette Gunn, the flagpole dancer that shoots t-shirt cannon nets who is also Tommy Gunn's daughter. Also we share more awful confessions. 

Wikihows:

How to smoke a cigarette in Paris. How to ask your parents about puberty. How to decide who gets the pet in a divorce.

Discussed: Curly wig condoms, smoking baguettes, french in a southern accent, bilingual kissing sister-brothers, Elvira and condoms, puberty supplies, Prenuptial Eagle, divorce clause claws, Bar King the drunk dog, cholo eagle

 This week we are joined by the amazingly talented artist Michael Alm (http://www.michaelalm.com/) , so of course we squander his knowledge and talk to him exclusively about ghosts and the paranormal. Instead of a Wikihow, Michael brings in runes which we use to solve some wikihows. The runes apparently want Mike gay and pregnant, and for us to bang the ghosts out of homes for fun and profit. This might be my favorite episode. 

Cops and parties don’t mix. So how do you stop the fuzz from breaking up your recreation of House Party? Easy, pretend it was ghosts. Or cats. Or that you are having a Real Doll party for one. Or just leave and never look back. We talk about this, how to cope with commercials (also, dear police, we promise if Flo dies this week that it wasn’t Mike) and finally how to convince your girlfriend that you are the sweetest guy she’s ever known. Well, Mike and Zac do. Clay tips his hand once more that he’s kind of the worst. This, plus we talk about Multiplicity. 

Today we actually give our most actionable advice. For instance, the best way to insult someone you are going to fight? Read their facebook statuses out loud. Best way to have a horse? Don't, just work for Horse Minutes. Do you know how many HMPG (Horse Minutes Per Gallon) you get? We have a very convoluted mathmatical solution for you that involves worm seconds and dog years. Want to make sure your grandma is ok? Send her to the Panopticon Retirement Home and rest easy that there are always eyes on her. Always.

How to Kiss Your Crush Out of the Blue. How to Stop A Wedding. How To Wrap a Cat. All of these are addressed in this episode. Normally, we take notes while editing so we can have a funny little blurb. Clay's notes for editing on this episode are "im drunk this episode is good". If that's not enough to entice you, we also say all of the following things about our beloved in an effort to convince them that they should leave their betrothed:

(You have) supple breasts and a soft behind.

(You have) supple breasts and a fine behind.

(I desire) supple breasts and that sweet booty.

(You have) supple breasts and a sweet backside. 

This weeks episode we talked about crashing weddings and other fun stuff, but during the editing process the episode got corrupted and lost. We're sorry about that, and Clay is pretty upset. So instead, we are moving over an old episode into Libsyn so it can join it's brothers. It's our second ever prepisode!

This week we help out with some of life's hardest questions, like how do you take care of a camel or a secret lover. Until next time, UngoogleYoSelf.

Episode 30 contains our least actionable advice for the average person. But maybe you're not the average person. Maybe you want to be a part-time banker, part-time lumberjack. Maybe all the kids at school keep stoning you, Old Testament style, and you need a defensive plan. Or maybe you want to cut down on funeral expenses by being eaten by fire ants. We're not gonna judge. Unless you have a philosophy degree. Or haven't seen Fern Gully. 

Sorry we were busy catching rays and didn't put out an episode last week. We made you this mixtape of wikihows. There's all the old classics. How to fight a shark in air, land, sea and fire. Most of the answers are "stab it". How to get a cat to like you (drugs). If you listen closely, you can hear where a car almost slams into the room we are recording in, which is apparently full of things Mike has licked. And finally, how to be merry every day BUt Christmas, where we teach you how to lose friends, alienate people, and be declared a sex offender for sneaking into children's rooms and telling them Vietnam stories. We're not very good at instructions, but we are good at mixtapes.

This week we're joined by comedian Scott Losse (@Scott_Losse) to talk about bears, loneliness and strategically hiding bras around your apartment so your girlfriend will break up with you. We figure out how to end the war in the Middle East (hint: it involves bears on bears), how to deal with your sadness with paper lanterns, cameras and streams and finally the strangest SAT question that has ever been asked.

This week we talk about cat murder, a lot. If you aren't a fan of that, we're so sorry. We also talk about how to catch a hamster, Julia Child,  Easter, drugs, the Great Depression, salsa dinner, popcorn beds, how to get fat arms, and Clay makes a horrible hamburger confession. But mostly cat murder. Sorry cats.

Just what is "Trashcore?" How do I spice up kissing? How do I annoy the shit of my girlfriend? Have those questions really been bothering you? Well don't you worry, because we got you covered. By the end of this you'll have your clothes roulette list all typed up, you'll be itching for a second Alien-style mouth made for smooching, and you'll be checking everyone's genital heat. When the cops ask, don't tell them you got that last one from us. Please. 

This week were are joined by rapper Astronautalis to talk about how to make a rap video, but mostly restaurants that also give sexual favors. We apologize for the recording quality, we did it in the green room before the show and it sounds we are trapped inside of a well in space. 

Just in time for upcoming April Fool's Day, we are giving advice on how to be a master prankster. Also covered is how to pretend that you know about sports and what to do if you look.....unfortunate.

Topics: Gerbil Astronaut, Anti-Swing, Sport Zac, Don't Prank Me Bro, Sex Amigo, Prankenstein part II, The Carrot Top Conundrum, Barber College, The Bullwinkle Effect 

3 guys take the strangest Wikihows they can find and try to come up with new step-by-step instructions. It gets out of control pretty quickly.

This Week: How to Start a Cult, How to Charge Crystals for Healing, How to Hire a Nanny that your Spouse Won't Sleep With.

Talking Points: Butt Beaver, Wormverse, The Basket, Naming Convention, Crystal Marital Aid, Xanex Rock Candy, Mrs. Doubtfire.

Did you know that if you give someone a swirly with a bidet it's called a squirty? Or that a 'Wolf guy' was either someone you bought wolves from or a lazy werewolf? Neither did we. This episode is all about social interaction and how everyone is bad at it, especially us but ESPECIALLY everyone on Wikihow. 

The week we are joined by Shelby (@Smelbz) to talk about relationship advice, underwater fencing, tv's greatest treasure Cops, and the importance of toilet functionality at parties. We also spoil the end of The Grapes of Wrath.

This week we turn to the sexier side of Wikihow. We give our always incredibly helpful advice on how to email boys and how to ask someone to stop sexting you. We try to get a baby to pay attention while getting their picture taken but end up hiring strippers.A cursing ABBA cover band, a lot of Harry Potter drug jokes and  porn titles round it out to make this our most sexually explicit episode yet! Enjoy?

Frankenstein is a dragon doctor, Zac's gonna ride that big pinewood derby all the way to heaven, condoms are hidden EVERYWHERE, and someone should have made a western about osteoporosis. Sorry about the picture, Sarah Wilson.

Hello everyone. On this weeks podcast we become our true selves as super heroes, and it isn't pretty: the range is from milf hunters to gaseous bus helpers who swear they aren't Hitler. Prepare for some reminiscence about dragon literature and a sweet high five coming at you, so.. come on, Don't Do It Yourself. 

....RIP Elliott Smith

Today we talk about the Olympics, Russia, moving in Seattle, and an awful death that can happen to YOU. If you ski. Well, if you ski near trees. This episode also completes our descent into madness. Topics include: Putin on your chest, Russian Dracula, Borsch coat, Ostrich in a borsch coat, Usain Bolt Jesus Lizard,John Candy is a paddleboat, Bobcat Goldthwait being pulled by bobcats on a bobsled, Ski jump archery/mixed martial arts.

Have you ever wanted to get a girlfriend but just can't be bothered to muster up the courage to actually say something to her? Yeah, us either.. but on this weeks episode we try to hit on girls without talking to them. This goes as well as expected, since earlier we got a little philosophical with Plato and his being-hit-on-by-a-stranger-in-"The Cave" allegory. So I say put on your crying helmet, lightly weep to yourself so your sister won't hear and join us this week 'cause it's a good one. DDIY BITCHEZZZZ!!

Today we are joined by guest Ben Thompson of Badassoftheweek.com as we tackle the most badass of Wikihows.  Mike gets disappointed when he finds out what sabering is so we try to come up with other ways to combine swords and champagne. Then we discuss how to escape an old style POW camp in case you find yourself caught by rogue reenactors and the result is the worst thing you could possibly imagine. On top of that we figure out how to win a losing battle, battle a giant crab-handed monster in our movie game, and answer a few questions from Twitter, the results of which involve Buzz Aldrin, having your children raised by wolves, and Scottish anatomy. Strap in, and Don’t Do It Yourself.

This week we give instructions that are usable for everyone. From how to date a hobo (here’s a hint: treat all of her ‘personal space’ as her ‘stabbing zone’) to how to twerk yourself dry after a shower. After that, your led on a nightmarish, haunting journey as Count Demonnance, Queelor, Queen Danceatron and Rasputin Vanderdouche discuss how to start your own Wiccan coven. The result of their witchery is less impressive than the male anatomy in Zero G.

 This episode is brought to you by the University of Phoenix Airlines and T-Pain’s omeletator

Note: Like every one of our episodes, you should watch The Craft before listening to this.

Look, I'm not going to lie to you. This one is dirty. We don't normally don't make this many dick jokes, or talk about where condoms go when they die, or make up drinks from a bartender bible called "Play with your Cocktail", or come up with horrifying scenarios where Chris Hansen gives away his progeny to catch a predator. Or Chris Matthews. Promise. But in between that we tell you how to be the rebel at your school, how to make the dream friend you've always wanted, and what to do when you lose your child in the woods. I'll give you a hint: it involves Chris Hansen. But we call him Chris Matthews.  

Gather around, children, for our most storied episode. If you were ever curious about how Mike feels about clowns, or how Zac feels about dipping sauces in goth clubs, or how dumb Clay was when he was 13, then this is the one for you. We try to get our friends to dress like us by releasing moths in their home, we turn to hipsters to see how to live without a computer, and finally we try to tackle our clown and mime fears. Also, we talk about John Claude Van Damme a lot. 

Hola oyentes y bienvenidos a hacerlo no lo hace usted mismo! ¿Cómo se dice armario montaña? Oh, I'm sorry! I Meant: Hello listeners and welcome to Don't Do It Yourself! This week Zac forgets words and is relentlesly made fun of. We cover some sweet topics like making the coolest band name ever, like... Mountain Closet, or "CLAY AND MIKE ARE DUMB". Then we forge forward into how to use aluminum foil and how to foil your plans to be a forever-cosplayer. So come on.. Don't Do It Yourself! -Zac

Tired of bullies saying you hug too much and make them uncomfortable? Running from robot gimps from the future? Have no fear, listener, because we have options for you to protect yourself in this cold, dark world. Maybe you could enroll in our martial arts school Don’t Dojo Yourself and learn the ancient art of Shock and Caw? If that’s too violent don’t worry, because a little furry Morpheus has got your back in all of life’s problems when we talk about how to be the best guardian angel. It’s going to be like City of Angels without the car crash, with you as Meg Ryan and Nicolas Cage as a raccoon. After that we’ll discuss the masochist apocalypse and then embrace you with open arms and never, ever let go. So come a little closer and Don’t Do It Yourself (ever again)!

Hello and welcome to Don't Do It Yourself where we love you and think you are beautiful. No wait! Forget what we just said! Shit, well, on this weeks episode we try to not say I love you and we fail miserably. But pushing forward we give some actual advice on hitting on women in public and we love you. Goddamnit! We are bad at this. So come on, Don't Do It Yourself. (and we love you.)

Hello listeners, join us this week as we tackle some tricky topics! If you've ever wondered how to pay attention to boring things or people (or how to weird them out so you don't have to) then you have the right episode. With that helpful information out of the way we move on to an updated, yet messier version of the UFC. If you make it to the end then the this weeks image will make much more sense (Tim, if you see this, we need to talk...), so come on friend, don't do it yourself!

After a small hiatus we come back full force with a  jammer's threesome of advice on how to prepare for a date (hint: it requires more than just man-scaping.) Then we flip the whole thing on its head and the divorce horse starts handing out sweet, sweet justice .  There are some things you can't do alone, so come on gang, don't do it yourself.

This week we get into all things spooky for a special Halloween episode! We have some practical candy checking information from the 90s you can implement.. If you don't die of fright from the super spooky Pumptagram story that is! So dress up like a Spartan and kick a child off your porch, 'cause it's time for Don't Do It Yourself. 

Today we covered Lady Gaga's ascension as a hamburger phoenix, discussed our next business venture as vintners and who to eat first if we find ourselves in desperate situations. Also, this was the 2nd take in a week and for some reason all the cars in Seattle decided to have a car orgy outside our window while recording, so we're sorry about all the noise.  

(Our recording got wiped this week, so we made another and are putting that one together now. This is part of our pre-episodes, where we were trying to figure this whole thing out.)

Are you mainly interested in: baby astronauts, tin foil grills, spilling on yourself, or having a never-ending goldfish? This episode is for you! Have you ever wondered if you have a child you don't know about? Yeah, me either, but we help damn it! We spark it off with how to avoid any awkward situation with a sweet, stylish new handshake, so grab your best friend and Don't Do It Yourself.

If you need to get drug-dealing squirrels out of your neighborhood bird feeder, then this isn't going to be helpful at all! Feel free to break those down for a choose-your-own-adventure including militias, buttered bird poles, and a cocaine ghost! If that isn't good enough, we go in-depth how to deal with your half-scorpion/half-woman girlfriend. All these plus a weird conversation about carnivorous weed plants, so come on, Don't Do It Yourself!

WOO-WEE! Wrap me up in a steak suit and call me baby, 'cause we're going cougar hunting this week! And I don't mean Janet in accounting, because following our own advice, we got her ass fired. These fun topics plus a delicate chat about diaper fetishes... which I guess you can't do alone, so.. Don't Do It Yourself!

After arguing the Pointillist vs. Pugilist debate, we dive into a dolphin tank to tackle the difficult question of how to get that mammals' blood! Not sure if we helped on the home fire drill, but you might want to consult a lawyer before proceeding. All of this and more Harry Potter puns than you can shake a broom at. So come on, Don't Do It Yourself!

(Part of our pre-episodes, where we were trying to figure this whole 'podcasting' thing out. We'll be putting these out with our actual episodes until we are caught up!)

Ever wondered about Bigfoot/Mermaid interactions? Neither had we until this weeks episode! We also get to heart of being seductive.. and when NOT to use it! Also: no drowing! 

Covered Wikihows

How to smile with your eyes

How to eat chocolate seductively

How to avoid drowning

How to care for a shocked hamster

How to become a mermaid/merman

How to search for Bigfoot

How to not avoid dating if you are married

How to not avoid dating if you are married

On this flagship episode we chronicle the sad life of a lonely diorama maker. But don't get too upset, we tackle a much softer topic later: cats! You've got the questions, and we can help. So come on, don't do it yourself!